bebx0589

so this is the new year.

2008-01-05T18:37:18Z

happy year,
happy new year,
happy saying goodbye to 2007.

it didnt feel like the holidays. they came and went by so fast. i wish this year would move slower. i'm not ready to say goodbye to everything i'll have to leave behind this year. i'm not ready to start getting older. it' kind of a bummer, but i can't beat it. everyone needs to grow up and move on nd move out sometime.

ugh.

college is coming way too soon.

happy thanksgiving

2007-11-22T23:26:45Z

happy thanksgiving!

i haven't posted in a while so i figured i should. i'm not doing too much right now - everything kind of winded down at my house, now everyone i downstairs watching a movie and i'm uptairs freezing because tupid me forgot to close my window from when it was warm out this afternoon. i'm so sleepy, but i don't really have time for a nap since i'm going over leila's for thanksgiving with her family in like 40 minutes. i've eaten so much today it's pretty ridiculous and it' sad that i'm still starving.

i'm not sure what i'm doing for the rest of break - not too much ha been going on recently. i hould be hearing back from colleges next month.

ugh that's frightening. i want this year to go by as slow as possible. it'd be great if we didn't all have to leave right away. i don't want to think about it though. christmas is soon!

wish i had a job so i that i could go christmas shopping.

first loves are just dumb, stupid luck.

2007-10-19T20:15:17Z

i'm afraid.

i don't know what this means or what you meant.

i'm afraid and you don't know that because i didn't tell you. and i can't bring it up again because it'll just get you frustarted. once was enough. why does thi have to get to me? why do i have to care?

why can't i just be content and know that it's only me you're thinking of?

i know how i feel. i know how i feel about you.

and i also no that no matter how much i try and convince myself that this doesn't mean anything, there is a huge ball in my throat.

i want to tell you it's not okay, but i can'. and i can't because that's not right and i shouldn't be allowed to tell you what you can and cannot do.

but deep down inside, i have to admit, i wouldn't be so worried if you just weren't. if i didn't have to acknowledge the fact that you remember that one another exists.

i'm afraid to lose you to a life you had before me.

SUPERBAD.

2007-08-19T22:00:58Z

alrighty, here we go.

so let's see. yesterday i got up at 8:30 like my dad asked me to so we could get to the DMV early, but that ended up not making a difference since we didn't leave until 11:00. i ended up not getting my permit renewed because my dad didn't feel like waiting there. so i've gotta head back there on teusday and get it done o i can make the appointment for my license. ive been driving so much and im just getting so antsy to drive on my own, i cant take it anymore. besides, i refuse to stay on that bus longer than i have to for school. aroun 7:00, i went to alex's for her birthday with ally, liv, and maddy. it was fun, and i haven't hung out with all of them in so long, but i couldn't sleep over because my stomach totally peaced on me. anyway, maddy walked me home and then sue came and picked us up midway because she realized we had left, haha, so i got dropped off and i was going to come back later when i felt better, but by that time it was 3:30, and as short as the walk is to alex's house, i wasn't really up for all of that at that time of night. so i ended up collapsing on my bed and falling asleep on the phone after playing halo. i've become addicted and its bad. if you play, you'll know what i'm talking about. anyway, this morning i woke up and drove over to alex's to get the stuff i left there, and then went out to lunch at the churchville with my brother and dad.

and now im just sitting here, waiting until about 6:45 or so for britt to come pick me up with mike and john to go see superbad. IM PUMPED. anyways, that been my day so far. my day has been ging by pretty fast despite the weather which is rainy and dark. i dont really mind it though, it hasnt really rained in a while. i get so sleepy though, all i want to do is take a nap, but ive still gotta clean and if i fall asleep now, im going to be way too groggy for the movies tonight. nothing else is really going on, i should probably get moving on cleaning so that i can go out tonight. ill write later when something more interesting happens. PAYCE.

i am Mclovin.

loving the wrong person for all the right reasons.

2007-08-16T21:31:08Z

last night was the first night in a long time that i slept really well. i think it wa because i finally let everything out - and maybe that included me yelling, but it felt good. and though it still didn't work out necessarily in my favor, at least ive got a better understanding of the situation im in. maybe you learn to compromise when you love someone. maybe you learn to bend a little bit - and go more than half way. i dont know. all i know if that it feels like i had the heaviest weights possible laying on my chest, and then when i woke up this morning, they weren't there anymore. i breathed out one of those really good sighs of relief that only come after getting over something that has been such a problem for a long time.

anyway, i slept in until two today, and normally i would have minded because of what waste of a day that is, but i didn't care today. i honeslty feel like laying in bed all day, and if i did, i reall wouldnt mind. the only reason im not doing that is because leila is coming over later today (with her new car =]). so i just got out of the shower and then ive got to start cleaning. i dont think im going out tonight, i jut kind of want to sit in and order pizza or something. definitely a lazy day, but i dont really mind.

for all of you john fans out there - if you havent listened to his acoustic cover of "kid a" by radiohead - get on it.

ill write more later. probably tomorrow. PEACE.<3

11:30 and im already awake.

2007-08-15T15:42:24Z

why is it that im awake right now? ill tell you why, because at 8:30 this morning my mom decides to call me and ask me about emails and apswords and how she can send her stupid paper which i had to type to her professor. my mom doesnt realize you need to have the document on the computer youre trying to email it from before you can even try to email it.

so i get up and go downstairs and send it to her professor "with a little note attached" like my om asked - and then did the laundry for her "before she forgot about it". whatever, no big deal, ididnt even care.

until i went back up into my room and tried to go to sleep and that peaced.

ive decided im an insomniac. i really wanted to take a medicine cup full of nyquil to geto sleep last night. i got off the phone with leila at one because i felt pretty tired, and rolled around in my bed until 2:30, as wide awake as i could be.

i have the weirdest sleeping habits. ive totally lost any sense of a bedtime, and half the time i cant get to sleep at all, and i dont know why. and i try and get as comfortable as possible and i still hae no luck.

anyway, i have not a clue of what im doing today. the only thing ive done so far besdies trying to get myself to go back to sleep was finish off Next Summer, and go downtairs to find two pieces of bread left which is definitely not enough to make a satisfying breakfast of french toast.

my eyes are so tired but im not even going to try getting back into bed and sleeping. ive given up and sleep - and maybe thats not such a bad thing because you waste so much of your life sleeping. who needs sleep? well, i do. considering i love naps. maybe this whole insomniac thing wouldnt be so bad if everyone else was having that same problem and i wouldnt be so freaking bored at three in the morning.

my week is filling up pretty fast, though. today i might be hanging oout with leila, but that all depends if she deicdes to go to the mvoies because i have too many birthdays coming up to be going to the movies. I NEED A JOB. being broke freaking blows. maybe i should work at the bakery with leila. at least the people at giant can look at an application and give you word as to whether or not they want to hire you. and thursday i know i have plans i just cant remember them - maybe im hanging out with nick. saturday night im going to alexs house to sleep over for her birthday. i kow ive got other things to do, i just cant remember any of it. oh - WAIT. coldstone on friday depending of whether or not ian gets his license. PUMPED. i havent been there since last winter. mmmm vanilla ice cream with heath bar mashed up inside of it? i think so.

CANT IT JUST BE ONE ALREADY WHEN EVERYONE ELSE IS AWAKE. ugh, something tells me today is going to go by very slow.

bebx0589 @ 2007-08-14T17:05:00

2007-08-15T00:19:55Z

so why do i get the sense im going to become addicted to this thing? probably because its a lot easier than going out to buy a new journal, which i have to. my journals never stay journals, anway. they start out with a couple entries, and always turn into where all the lyrics to my songs go.

so what happened today.

well yestyerday, i kind of considered that a total bust, but whatev. i don't even feel like thinking about all of that crap. as i said before, it seems so trivial comapred to what i should really be thinking about. like how much my friends are hurting over the loss of a loved one. i feel like thats a more realistic thing to be ad about. but i want to get my mind off that. im not good with death. i mean, who is? but i have this weird thing about it. its like i dont know what to say to people that lose someone they love. i feel awkward because i dont know what to say, because really, what can you say? im sorry doesnt make it any better. its not your fault anyway. and aking if theyre okay is pointless because you know that they probably arent. but it feels wrong to just say nothing. ugh, what am i even talking about? I NEED TO STOP MY RAMBLING.

so lets move on from the sad stuff. these entries shouldnt be about all the bad crap thats going on. lets talk about other things.

so today i woke up - well no, i was woken up at one after staying up till 3:30 on the phone with ian by my mom coming in and telling me she needed me to help her with her paper. and so i did. sometimes it really sucks to be good at things like english becaue i just want to end up writing the whole thing for the person when they ask for help. i have OCD when it comes to writing papers and pretty much anything that has to do with english. that might make me some kind of a freak but its only because im a furutre english major, so i guess i have that tendancy to be picky.

after i helped my mom out for a while, i kind of just lounged around the house, watch national geographic with my dad which is what ive been catching myself doing recently (i know, cant you see what a huge dork i am?) and watch the most repulsive interesting things you could see on television. after i watched people eat magets along with rotted cheese on crackers (mmm, yum) i got into the shower.

then i took a trip to party fair to buy a HUGE Happy Birthday balloon for ian's birthday (which was a bitch to fit into the car and i probably looked so retarded trying to stuff it in) and also a spongebob balloon. i was pretty dissapointed over the lack of a patrick balloon, but i wouldnt have had enough money for him, anyway.

and now im bored and dont have too much to do. the tvs on but im not really watching and a pair of socks would be nice right now because its pretty freaking cold in my room. why am i not going out tonight? i can wait until i get a car. id probably be over at leilas right now. im going to have to stay in and write this paper with mommy. oh yay!

now im off to check my email. i emailed axe and asked if they held auditions for bowchickawowwow girls.

MAYBE ILL BE THE NEXT ONE.

do you know how excited id be? cause how nice is is to shake your ass up against a fruit cart in front of some randm guy in a supermarket, or rip off the clothes of your new foreign father-in-law? very nice.

bebx0589 @ 2007-08-13T21:12:00

2007-08-14T04:24:57Z

i have this weird feeling that im not sure i can describe. its like ive found something that im not settling for - but the situation that im in IS me settling. and i dont want to settle anymore.

im just tired of never really getting the full deal - the full package. i'm tired of going half way - but never being met there, if that makes any sense. and i didnt think that something that is made out to be this great wonderous idea would turn out to be so messy and complicated and hard. its not understandable and its tiresome and not what its cracked up to be. i mean, parts of it are, but not recently.

i just feel like everything has become so gray - and maybe its always been that way. its never been black and white just a blurry mess. im always so confused.

ALL I WANT IS TO JUST KNOW.

and i dont even care if the anwer isnt in my favor. i dont care if i cant get what i want - as long as i could just know hat its never going to work out the way i want it, instead of me sitting here, playing in this waiting game. its bullshit and i dont have the energy anymore.

you may have no idea what this post is about, but i do. and i guess even if i explained it, you wouldnt understand, because no one every really understands unless they go through it, right? no one ever really gets it. and i would know, because ive experienced things that i get now that i didn't get before.

i feel like im wasting all of my time, all of my energy and my heart. im putting everything into something that wont give much of anything back. or maybe im maybe selfish. maybe im just sayin that im selfish to make excuses so that i can trick myself into being happy. so that i can pretend like this situation that im in is ideal, when it really isnt at all. and mayeb its ideal for someone else - but not for me. because thats not who i am or what i am and im never going to be that way. who ever said it was going to be easy anyone? no one aid that it was a cake walk. well, i mean, its advertised that way so that people buy into it, so that people make themselves crave for such a thing, but it really isnt at all.

i want my money back. i want all of those feelings ive spent on those who didnt desrve them back because they are mine and i wasted them on something that i thought was going to be spectacular. but it really wasnt at all.

im just rambling. i dont even know what im saying anymore. all i know is that im sleepy. i just want to lay in bed and sleep in tomorrow. i hope it happens. i havent been getting to sleep well recently. i keep aking up in the middle of the night, or getting up way earlier than id like to talk about. i just want to sleep in till three. well maybe not, i dont want to waste the last of the summer sleeping in.

i just want to park myself on a beach all day and just lay in the sand. i just feel like going on vacation. its been so hard for everyone around here recently. i feel awful that ive gone on about myself like this when people are hurting over realistic things.

rip<3